if its a scream, then why the fuck cant i hear it?

i am no more!
its just pathetic what i have become after constant trauma and marinating in self hatred, doubt etc etc etc

what the fuck i feel guilty about whining

what am i doing here?
pain self doubt pain self doubt pain self doubt pain self doubt hatred scum pain pain pain gloom glum

"you are a cunt! and i deserve better"
"its over you better get used to it"
"just fuck off man"
"you and your entire family is full of assholes and fucking chuts! and i want nothing to do with them! i want nothing to do with you."
"i have MY OWN family and they need me"
"you have destroyed me"
"i will never be able to trust anyone again"
"i loved you with my all and you raped me"
"i hate you"
"i wont be attending your wedding btw i hope you already know that"
"i know what my family is capable of saying"
"i am sorry but i am out of your life"

all these words are his
who had once held me the first time when i was holding back and held me and felt me and lived me and held me and when in that trance, he took me high and kissed my lips for the first time and tasted my skin with his ... he held on to me for dear life and whispered half conscious, dont ever leave me.

he finally told me,
"you are harrassing me! "


that girl with the most royal nose he had seen ever dried up...
she promised never to harass him ever...


can you hear them?
cause i cant
and its deafening.

i want 2

scream shriek fuck selfdestruct kill bleed hold believe cry laugh breathe dance forget forgive smile walk believe cut enter ejaculate squirt embarass hurt kill wander walk notcare slap touch abandon disown hurt cry howl trnbcktyme love . . .
I am sorry... but i feel so alone... so lonely... like any time now and even my own existence will leave me...
i am tired...

i want to stop running behind everyone...
i need answers to questions i don't know...
i am tired of being pushed away...
i am tired of this uneasiness... i am tired of being lonely....
i am... i really am ashamed of myself...
so ashamed of myself....
but i still exist....
i wonder why...
wish i could just leave.... leave this life of pain behind...
its of no use to me anywayz...
there is something wrong here...
i swear there is something wrong here...
i deserve to sleep ... i deserve to be able to dream again...
i deserve happiness...
i deserve love....
because no matter what people say, i have never intended to hurt any one...
maybe i will never find solace..

aalaap

RELATIONSHIPS DONT MATTER SHIT AS LONG AS LOVE PREVAILS...

if i ever feel better

It's like a bad day that never ends
I feel the chaos around me
A thing I don't try to deny
I'd better learn to accept that
There are things in my life that I can't control
They say love ain't nothing but a sore
I don't even know what love is
Too many tears have had to fall
Don't you know I'm so tired of it all
I have known terror dizzy spells
Finding out the secrets words won't tell
Whatever it is it can't be named
There's a part of my world that' s fading away
You know I don't want to be clever
To be brilliant or superior
True like ice, true like fire
Now I know that a breeze can blow me away
Now I know there's much more dignity
In defeat than in the brightest victory
I'm losing my balance on the tight rope
It's like somebody took my place
I ain't even playing my own game
The rules have changed well I didn't know
There are things in my life I can't control
I feel the chaos around me
A thing I don't try to deny
I'd better learn to accept that
There's a part of my life that will go away
Dark is the night, cold is the ground
In the circular solitude of my heart
As one who strives a hill to climb
I am sure I'll come through I don't know how

Mithya

Director: Rajat Kapoor

The sanskrit word Mithya basically means "False, pretention, Make-believe"...
mithya the film is the story of a hard working small time bollywood junior artist, VK, who unfortunately resembles an underworld don...

i wont give away the plot of the film but this i will definitely say, the movie is beautiful...
it has these touches of dark dark humor which leaves you smiling inwardly but sad on the crust....

The film makes one wonder, what is real and what is unreal... when the actor and the character converge, its such a pure surrender, that its not acceptable to man...

During the first half of the movie, Ranvir is in love with Neha and during the second half, when Ranvir looses his memory, and spends some time as don Raje Bhaisaheb, he falls in love with his wife and kids. As a result, He is unable to return to his normal life... Neha(Sonam), once again helps him... unconditionally... and he loves her too... its just beautiful the way he is shown, by the end of the film, in love with both Raje's wife and Sonam, and the fact that he accepts it...

To top it up, we have Saurabh Shukla, Vinay Pathak, Naseruddin Shah... the perfect ingredients for a meaningful, yet fun film... the new breed of films that have the lightness of Bollywood and the punch of parallel cinema... strong scripts, great performances... especially ranvir... he leaves you sooo moved and touched with his performances...

Among the scenes that would particularly be my favorites would definitely be :

• the scene where VK , after loosing his memory confesses to Sonam that he didn't remember her name. at this Sonam tells him that it was alright even if he didnt recollect her name... later on in the film, VK is shot and before dying, he sees flashes of his life and finally he sees all his happy moments with sonam... and screams out her name and sonam who is being dragged away by Gavde (Naseeruddin shah) turns around and smiles... inspite of the fact that she knows he's dead... its like just because he remembered her name, it was, for her, worth it to die for him...
• the scene where she kisses him and says "Bye".
• the last scene where the guys disposing Sonam's body say, "it was a love story. a sad, very sad love story". it was just the perfect ending

All in all the film will leave you slightly disturbed, numb and lost. but definitely satiated... its the raw honesty of the script that will hit you and leave an impact for good...after a long long time, a film maker has told his story, the cinema way... a must watch for cinema lovers and a MUST watch for those who are suckers for a layered, dramatic cinematic experience...

i give the film **** rating.
and personally take this opportunity to thank Rajat for making this film... its beautiful.

humne tumhe yaad kiya

Kya soch kar hum ne tum pe aitbaar kiya
tamam raat qayaamat ka intazaar kiya

log hairan the ki registaan kaise gaya bheeg...
humse pucha, hum ne kaha, aaj phirse tujhe yaad kiya...

raat bhar sochte rahe,kis kaam me tha khuda mashroof?
jab tumne daga , aur humne tumse pyaar kiya?

ek aansu chhann se gira sukhe hue dil par...
ek lamhe ko dil dhadka teri yaad mein, us dhadkan ko bhi barbaad kiya

kya wo saanson ka zaiyka jhootha tha?
jo tere honthon se uthakar mere honthone kai baar piya?

Tears

What was once the sweetest thing,
what was once the most pure...
they tore and threw and tore and threw
until it bled and bled
and when there was no blood left,
they took whips and burning coals...
and burnt through the flesh
and then when the flesh was scarred for ever...
they took the soul and flung at it mud and bile...
those hands clawed and gnawed and bit and burnt...
until the soul got tired and left... and then there was nothing left...
just some salty water on something numb...

i forgive those hands...
for those blessed hands once had themselves made,
what was once the sweetest thing...
what was once pure...

so i took the salty water
and filled it in the hollow of my heart...
and gave my heart to the two i trust...
to keep them safe...
my remnants...
my tears...

for the tears are still pure...
i swear they are...
and they also are...

... all that i can give.

Meri rooh se bandhi kuch gazlein...(there are many more)

Ranjish Hi Sahi

Ranjish Hi Sahi
Dil Hi Dukhanay Kay
Liye Aa

Ranjish Hi Sahi

Aa Phir Say
Mujhay Chor Kay
Jaanay Kay Liye
Aa

Ranjish Hi Sahi
Dil Hi Dukhanay Kay
Liye Aa

Ranjish Hi Sahi

Pehlay Say
Marasim Na Sahi
Phir Bhi Kabhi To

Pehlay Say
Marasim Na Sahi
Phir Bhi Kabhi To

Rasm-e-Rah-e-Duniya
Hi Nibhaanay Kay
Liye Aa

Ranjish Hi Sahi
Dil Hi Dukhanay Kay
Liye Aa

Ranjish Hi Sahi

Ab Tak
Dil-e-Khush Feham Ko
Tujh Say Hain
Umeedain

Ab Tak
Dil-e-Khush Feham Ko
Tujh Say Hain
Umeedain

Yeh Aakhri
Shamain Bhi
Bujhanay Kay
Liye Aa

Ranjish Hi Sahi
Dil Hi Dukhanay Kay
Liye Aa

Ranjish Hi Sahi

Kis Kis Ko
Batayen Gay
Judai Ka
Sabab Hum

Kis Kis Ko
Batayen Gay
Judai Ka
Sabab Hum

Tu Mujhsay
Khafa Hai To
Zamaanay Kay
Liye Aa

Ranjish Hi Sahi
Dil Hi Dukhanay Kay
Liye Aa

Ranjish Hi Sahi

Ek Umar Say Hoon
Lazzat-e-Girya
Say Bhi Mehroom

Ek Umar Say Hoon
Lazzat-e-Girya
Say Bhi Mehroom

Ay Raahat-e-Jaa'n
Mujhko Rulaanay
Kay Liye
Aa

Ranjish Hi Sahi
Dil Hi Dukhanay Kay
Liye Aa

Ranjish Hi Sahi

Kuch To Meray
Pindar-e- Mohabbat
Ka Bharam Rakh

Kuch To Meray
Pindar-e- Mohabbat
Ka Bharam Rakh

Tu Bhi To Kabhi
Mujhko Manaanay Kay
Liye Aa

Ranjish Hi Sahi
Dil Hi Dukhanay Kay
Liye Aa

Ranjish Hi Sahi

Maana Kay
Mohabbat Ka
Chupaana
Hai Mohabbat

Maana Kay
Mohabbat Ka
Chupaana
Hai Mohabbat

Chup Kay Say
Kisi Roz
Jataanay Kay
Liye Aa

Ranjish Hi Sahi
Dil Hi Dukhanay Kay
Liye Aa

Ranjish Hi Sahi

Jesay Tumhain
Aatay Hain
Na Aanay
Kay Bahaanay

Jesay Tumhain
Aatay Hain
Na Aanay
Kay Bahaanay

Aisay Hi
Kisi Roz
Na Jaanay Kay
Liye Aa

Ranjish Hi Sahi
Dil Hi Dukhanay Kay
Liye Aa

Ranjish Hi Sahi

Woh jo hum main tum main qaraar tha ...

Woh jo hum main tum main qaraar tha
tumhain yaad ho k na yaad ho
wohi, yani waada nibaah ka
tumhain yaad ho k na yaad ho

Woh jo hum main tum main qaraar tha ...

woh jo lutf mujh mein thay paishtar
woh karm k tha mere haal par
mujhe sab hai yaad zara zara
tumhain yaad ho k na yaad ho

woh jo hum main tum main qaraar tha ...

woh naye gilay, woh shiakayatain
woh mazay mazay ki hikayaatain
woh har aik baat pe roothna
tumhain yaad ho k na yaad ho


Woh jo hum main tum main qaraar tha ...
jisay aap kehte thay aashna
jisay aap kehte thay bawaafa
main wohi hoon Momin e mubtala
tumhain yaad ho k na yaad ho

Woh jo hum main tum main qaraar tha ...


Zindagi Mein To Sabhi, Mehdi Hassan

zindagi mey to sabhi pyaar kiyaa karte\' hain
mai.n to mar kar bhi teri jaan tujhe chaahu.n ga
zindagi mey to sabhi....

tu mila hai to yeh ehsaas hua hai mujh ko
yeh meri umr mahobbat ke liye thhodi hai
ik zara sa gham-e-dora.n ka bhi haq hai jiss par
mai.n ney woh saa.ns bhi tere liye rakh chhori hai
tujh pe ho jaaoo.n ga qurbaan tujhe chaahoo.n ga
mai.n to mar kar bhi meri jaan tujhe chaahoo.n ga
zindagi mey to sabhi....

apney jazbaat mai.n naghmaat rachaaney ke liye
mai.n ne dha.rkan ki tarha.n dil mey basaaya hai tujhe
mai.n tassawwur bhi judaai ka bhalaa kese\' karu.n
mai.n qissmat ki lakiro.n se churaaya hai tujhe
pyaar ka ban ke nigehbaan tujhe chaahu.n ga
mai.n to mar kar bhi meri jaan tujhe chaahu.n ga
zindagi mey to sabhi......



Aaj jaane ki zid na karo 
Aaj jaane ki zid na karo (3)
Yunhi pehloo mein baithe raho (2)
Aaj jaane ki zid na karo
Haay mar jaayenge, hum to lut jaayenge
Aisi baatein kiya na karo
Aaj jaane ki zid na karo (2)
Haay mar jaayenge, hum to lut jaayenge
Aisi baatein kiya na karo
Aaj jaane ki zid na karo

Tum hi socho zara, kyun na roke tumhe
Jaan jaati hai jab uth ke jaate ho tum (2)
Tumko apni qasam jaan-e-jaan
Baat itni meri maan lo
Aaj jaane ki zid na karo
Yunhi pehloo mein baithe raho (2)
Aaj jaane ki zid na karo
Haay mar jaayenge, hum to lut jaayenge
Aisi baatein kiya na karo
Aaj jaane ki zid na karo

Waqt ki qaid mein zindagi hai magar (2)
Chand ghadiyan yehi hain jo aazad hain (2)
Inko khokar mere jaan-e-jaan
Umr bhar na taraste raho
Aaj jaane ki zid na karo
Haay mar jaayenge, hum to lut jaayenge
Aisi baatein kiya na karo
Aaj jaane ki zid na karo

Kitna maasoom rangeen hai yeh sama
Husn aur ishq ki aaj mein raaj hai (2)
Kal ki kisko khabar jaan-e-jaan
Rok lo aaj ki raat ko
Aaj jaane ki zid na karo
Yunhi pehloo mein baithe raho (2)
Aaj jaane ki zid na karo
Haay mar jaayenge, hum to lut jaayenge
Aisi baatein kiya na karo
Aaj jaane ki zid na karo

2008

yet again, an year gone...
its funny, i believe, how many of the moments this year are we going to remember?
what is one year? in the past?
nothing... nothing at all
but yes, time doesn't matter... because i guess our perception of time is faulty... lets hit existentialism. who, what, why, if at all , are we?
there you go... choices...
whom would you choose? what would you choose??? there i go again random blabberings...

and i stood up and walked another step

i

cried
panted
got breathless
jealous of friends who could walk
angry because they didn't walk with me
happy i could do it alone
smoked
clicked pictures
posed for pictures
wanted to give up
wanted to out run everyone
wanted time to stand still
wanted never to forget all that i saw
wished i had photographic memmory
saw a wierd green snake
fell down when i was almost there...
twisted my ankle an odd 5 times
camped in a tent
shat in the moon light
helped others shit in the moonlight
saw MOON RISE
drank neat vodka to keep myself alive
cried in front of mj who kinda got flustered.
was the last one to reach the camp
people said i would be feeling great that i did it but actually it wasn't that great...
its perception of people... because it has been agreed upon alotta times...
realised i m immune to pop perception...

i made it!