Omnipresent

They told me you were all around me now.

omnipresent.

so that evening i sneaked out of the house,

and walked to nowhere.

to the nowhere where we always went.

and stood . thinking of you.

a long field stretched its morose arms out for me.

and i walked into them .

i could see those mountains ...

far away but there... right there ...

wonder why they are called snow capped ...

that was snow once, once.

but its ice now. hard , brittle numbing.

i am sure they told the mountains what they told me.

"be strong. you cannot cry. you are not supposed to."

i wanted to cry too you know !

not like those "well wishers" who came one by one in hundreds
every single one of those 14 days.

i wanted to cry .... to really cry.

why cant i cry ? what?

dont i miss you? dont i remember your stories?

dont i remember?

i searched myself in vain,

and then i had this urge to escape... to run...

so i did . i ran in random directions , in random paces . but i always ran ...

and then thud! i was flat on my face !

i screamed silently... but i couldn't ... why?

i clutched those little weeds and thorny veils and clutched them hard till i bled.

i pulled at them... hard.

as if i was pulling those tears out... as if i could...

out of my heart... my barren heart.

so were there no tears? was i so fucking numb?

i looked up and the sun was setting...

some reddish golden light fell on my eyes and on the numb mountains.

the clouds were in all hues..... purple, red, orange ,blue.....

and then between one of those clouds, on a white one....



i saw you...

you tried to hide .but i saw you ...

you were there all the time...

in those clouds... invisible to me but watching over me...

i looked down and i saw i had finally pulled out those weeds...

you were gone ... invisible again...

on the hidden side of the mountain , i saw a stream...

trickling silently, beautifully...

suddenly the numbness was all gone.

i let go.

opened my heart.

closed my eyes.

and cried...

you weren't dead.

you were omnipresent.

and i love you...