if its a scream, then why the fuck cant i hear it?

i am no more!
its just pathetic what i have become after constant trauma and marinating in self hatred, doubt etc etc etc

what the fuck i feel guilty about whining

what am i doing here?
pain self doubt pain self doubt pain self doubt pain self doubt hatred scum pain pain pain gloom glum

"you are a cunt! and i deserve better"
"its over you better get used to it"
"just fuck off man"
"you and your entire family is full of assholes and fucking chuts! and i want nothing to do with them! i want nothing to do with you."
"i have MY OWN family and they need me"
"you have destroyed me"
"i will never be able to trust anyone again"
"i loved you with my all and you raped me"
"i hate you"
"i wont be attending your wedding btw i hope you already know that"
"i know what my family is capable of saying"
"i am sorry but i am out of your life"

all these words are his
who had once held me the first time when i was holding back and held me and felt me and lived me and held me and when in that trance, he took me high and kissed my lips for the first time and tasted my skin with his ... he held on to me for dear life and whispered half conscious, dont ever leave me.

he finally told me,
"you are harrassing me! "


that girl with the most royal nose he had seen ever dried up...
she promised never to harass him ever...


can you hear them?
cause i cant
and its deafening.