my dearest most beloved grandfather, passed away on the 25th of august... its was not fair... i loved him so much...i loved him sooo sooo much... i miss him.... i havent cried as yet ... i fell guilty... sometimes..... wonder wether will he be proud of me???? when he looks down on me from the heavens up above... will he miss me? or will he just be glad???? both of us, papaji and me had identical hands... literally according to size as well as lines n our hands... i miss him... i miss the way he would smile when he would see me... the way he would be surprised and happy everytime i hugged met him... i would hug him and he would hug me right back.... i would take his hands in mine and rub my face on his palms.... those soft sweet hands that brought me up... i miss those hands... he could heal people you know... some times i would be all sick and ill and he would run his palms on my head and scalp and read some mantra... and next day i would be completely all right.... but he would fall ill... he was the son of a sufi mystic ... a saintess.... my great grand mother... she was un educated... she did not know how to read or write... but some times she would just get up and take a piece of charcoal and start writing on the walls of the house in persian... a language no one knew in her house hold... she waqs also a poetess... she would sing in her extacy and my grandfather would write it down... my grandpa... my papaji... he used to call me barkha dutt... i miss him soooo much... everytime i would enter the house, and there were some guests around, he would proudly introduce me as barkhadutt and then tell everyone that they must listen to one of my speeches... that i was brilliant.. when i was a child, he would tell me bed time stories... he only would constantly repeat 2 stories... about the crocodile and the monkey and the other one about the cap seller and the monkeys.... and he would keep repeating these for ever...no matter how much i begged for a different story... when i was very little, he would make me walk on his feet and repeat tables of 2 and 3 untill i remembered them... he , i remember, made me memorise the first telephone number of my life 6201234... that was my granny's home number... they had bought a red old fashioned phone.... i remember... which was in vogue back then... i miss him soooo much i dont know what to say... i m still in shock... everytime i would call at my granny's place, he would pick up the phone... now he doesnt... i miss him i miss his hugs and kisses and his blessings when his body was kept, i was sitting at his feet holding them... rubbing them... hoping against hope that he would come back... just once... just once if i could tell him how much i loved him... if i could tell him what he meant to me... thank him for all those beautiful memmories... for all his love... for all the pocket money he would give me... for all his blessings... for everytime he healed me... for loving me... for bieng proud of me and showing it off... for making me feel secure all these years... for taking care of me.... for giving me such wonderful ideals and values.... for everything.... everything ..... oh papaji.... i miss you.... but i know you are in a different dimension right now... and i shouldn't disturb you.... but i hope you will know that down here in my heart, you shall always remain healthy... hearty... alive....... i love you papaji.... i miss you...
your didda(barkha dutt)
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6 comments:
I miss my grandfather too. He has been gone for close to 15 years and it doesn't seem to get easier. At times I feel his present stronger than others and he visits me in my dreams sometimes. He isn't far away because he is apart of me...I would do anything to hear his voice again or see him laugh or hear one of his corky jokes or see him shaving on Sunday morning or the smell of his hair.
I am sure your Papji is proud of you.
they know u love them..
they always know
thanks for the love....and concur with divine
divine: i so know what you are saying...
i see him in my dreams too ...
i hear him
in my ears still
his laughter his blessings still echo in my soul...
and i hope he REALLY is proud of me...
lavanya:thanks...keep visiting more often...
kween my kween...
where the hell have u been sista???
long tyme...
Aw Sheetal, I am so sorry to here that. My thoughts are with you right now. Have you ever had someone pass and then you could at times just FEEL them around you? Be aware and see if this happens to you because it can bring tremendous comfort. Do you think that it is possible that when people we are close to pass, it is like we have an IN on the other side that helps us? It isn't like they help us with our selfish wants and needs but help with settling their own karma which effects ours. I think about that sometimes and this also brings me comfort. Don't worry about crying. Your tears will come out whether you will them to or not. It might be in dreams, yelling at a friend for no reason, or being unkind to yourself. Your suffering will surface. Your Grandfather knows in his heart how you felt about him. How fortunate he is to carry that with him to the other side. He doesn't have to feel alone in his new jouorney. How fortunate are you that you have him in your heart here. Forever connected. Thanks for sharing your fondest memories of him. The picture is of a man with the softest, most gentle eyes I think I have ever seen. What a blessing he is in your life. Blessings. XOXO.
thanks pony.... you made me smile through tears...
and you made me cry...
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